People often ask me “So what’s Finchley like then?”. Well… they don’t. But they might. If you’re thinking of asking what Finchley’s like, here’s a brief guide.

Finchley is divided into four sectors. Finchley Central (Capitol of Finchley), West Finchley (Retirementville), North Finchley (The Slums) and East Finchley (The Forgotten Realm). There used to be a South Finchley, however it broke away in the late 19th Century and renamed itself Hampstead Garden Suburb.

At the start of the 20th Century, a 15 foot high wall (The Great Wall of Barnet) was constructed around Finchley, in order to separate its residents from evil influences and any sense of reality.

The economy of Finchley is primarily fuelled by the 14 year old mini-skirt clad alcoholics who inhabit the bars and pubs of the North Finchley area. ‘Aftershock’ is the beverage of choice.

Adventurous Finchley residents occasionally venture to the cinema. Younger Finchlians can often be seen brawling outside the Vue cinema and “Hollywood Bowl”. Older residents are banished to The Phoenix in East Finchley’s OAP zone. Local laws prohibit anyone between the ages of 18 and 45 from leaving their houses.

Tourism is non existent. The odd uneducated American tourist comes to Finchley and finds there is no way out.

So that’s Finchley. Don’t come here.